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Our alien overlords are here

Terrifying other-worldly entities known only as the Stewards have delivered a series of commandments. If the commandments are not followed to the letter, The Stewards will destroy planet Earth and Venus as well… even though Venus is already objectively garbage.

Hi. I’m your race director Jim Hodgson. Normally I’m a comedian, playwright, and bestselling author (more about me here). But then these aliens showed up. They’ve threatened to erase my home planet, one thing led to another, probe here, probe there, and now I’m the director of a sim racing league. That’s life, you know?

I need your help to save humanity. Here are the Stewards commandments:

Commandment 1 – The Stewards shall be entertained, or humanity will be erased.

Artist’s conception. An actual photo of a Steward would melt your face.

It’s not too late. We can save humanity by creating an entertaining sim racing league known as Formula Prox. It’s not known why the Stewards chose this name. Maybe they hail from an extrasolar planet that orbits our nearest neighboring star, Proxima Centauri. But then, they wouldn’t call it “Proxima Centauri,” would they? They’d have their own name for it. And it probably wouldn’t be in Latin.

Look, all I know is we have to set up this sim racing league or we’ll all be blasted into cinders and then the cinders swept up and blasted a second time just for funsies.

It’s highly recommended that you take this league for what it aims to be: fun.

The on-on track results will matter, but off-track shenanigans will too. Think of it like WWE meets Dungeons and Dragons except instead of rolling dice you turn laps.

If you’re thinking right now, “Wait, does that mean I get to pretend I’m the sim racing version of Macho Man and Hulk Hogan giving an interview to Mean Gene Oakerlund in 1987?” then the answer is an emphatic YES.

Put the following two videos together in your mind and let them fornicate.

Commandment 2 – No Human Stuff

It’s not clear what The Stewards mean by this, but we guess it means a couple of things:

  1. There will be no discrimination based on race, culture, gender, or any mixture thereof. The Stewards can’t tell the difference between any of us. When asked to do so, they become angry. They want to see passion, drama, and exciting on-track action, but be kind to one another or you’ll get us all killed.
  2. All decisions by The Stewards will be final. Literally final. Meaning if they decide at any time to blow up our planet and then have a snack, that’s that. If they decide you are at fault even though you were sure you “had the corner,” well, sorry, Pastor. You can protest their decisions, but you might get vaporized.
  3. The Stewards demand entertainment, not justice. They can and will make decisions based on what’s more entertaining to them. You may protest decisions at your peril. I’m sure we can all think of racing organizations that are made monumentally boring by squabbling over rules. Not this one.

Commandment 3 – There shall be close racing

We cannot afford to bore The Stewards for even a picosecond. If they get mad… well, it doesn’t even bear thinking about.

They’ve devised a balance of performance system to maximize their own devilish enjoyment. Let’s just hope it’s enough.

Commandment 4 – You may file a protest about anything with the Stewards… if you dare. 

Yes. Anything. They might ignore you. They might grant you a point bonus. They might cause a meteorite to crush your house. 

Again, the goal here is to rescue humanity from destruction by creating a fun and entertaining league. If your protest is fun/entertaining, who knows?